My Ending

          “The last words he pronounced were- ‘The horror! The horror!’,” I said, avoiding her gaze as best as I could. I could feel her grief and displeasure radiating from her body, as the heat does from the pavement during a hot summer day. I felt hatred for myself in having told her something that very obviously caused her pain, but more than anything I hated Kurtz even more. Not even dead did he stop being the puppeteer, pulling the strings to my life and controlling my each and every action, leading me where he pleased, all for his amusement, and perhaps in a way to prove his authority and power over others. 

          “What? Are you sure?” she asked quietly, as if saying it any louder would make the possibility of me taking back my words even more minute. Her eyes were brimming with unshed tears, like two glasses of water that with the smallest nudge would spill their content. I couldn’t even begin to imagine what it would feel like to know that the man you loved didn’t even remember your name on his deathbed, to know that the last moment that you could have crossed his mind, you who loved him more than anything in the world, he instead thought of anything but. For a fraction of a second I considered lying to her, telling her that I could be mistaken, that I’d had to rush out to keep my emotions in check, and that perhaps after I’d left his side he uttered her name. But I couldn’t do it. Or maybe, if I’m being completely honest, I didn’t do it out of selfishness. My hatred for Kurtz overpowered my humanity, my ability to empathize and comfort, and in a last attempt to exert control in my own life, I let the woman suffer. I hoped that wherever Kurtz’s soul was at that moment, it was suffering and agonizing, like the natives did when he ordered them to be killed and tortured. 

Cards of Darkness

My team’s expedition was a great success. We faced many challenges early on, but with careful decisions, made as we went, we managed to have a good amount of surplus. Upon our arrival we decided that the best way to approach the natives was with a kind heart. We sacrificed the immediate gain of resources in order to create a foundation of trust. Unfortunately, we were rewarded with a monsoon. My team and I were incredibly devastated at facing such awful weather so early on, but we looked on the bright side. Because we had to deal with the monsoon in the very beginning we knew that things could only get better. We were wrong. The conditions remained harsh yet again. We were beginning to lose hope, patience, and kindness. 

As we spent more time with the natives we began to exert greater power over them. I must admit I became blinded with greed. I didn’t see why we ought to hold back on pressing them. My reasoning was that we were just going to postpone our cruelty. What is the point of pretending to be kind when come the next time we have to decide we’re going to go with force? My team was a little reluctant and outvoted me, but then they later agreed that I was right. I cannot say that I’ve no shame for my behavior, but I did what had to be done.

Regardless of our horrible way of treating the natives, we managed to keep a good relationship with them throughout the whole year. Every time they were kind and helpful. Their love was unconditional. I don’t know why they never rebelled or why they kept trusting us and working for us. Perhaps they were afraid of us. Maybe they thought that the consequences would be far worse if they stood up to us. I don’t honestly know what would have happened if they had done that. I’d like to believe that I would have shown humanity and recognized that I was in the wrong, but living in that environment brought out the darkness in my heart. 

This portrayal of colonization was realistic in the decisions that we had to make. When colonizing a new land many decisions are going to have to be made. The biggest on is probably the behavior toward the natives. Asking yourself the question: is profit worth it? The power ultimately lies with the person who is colonizing. The natives are at the mercy of them. Their lives depend on the choices made by the powerful leaders. 

 I think the most unrealistic part of this portrayal was the effect of our decisions. For us, being forceful only resulted in a higher chance of drawing the wrong card. However, when actually colonizing a country, you have to actually treat people cruelly. There are real human beings being affected. I think that’s what made me so willing to press as much as I did. I didn’t hesitate because I knew it was all fiction. There were no actual consequences. I wouldn’t have behaved this way if I were actually in this situation, of that I’m sure. Nevertheless, this experience opened my eyes to how easy it is to become desensitized and to become greedy.